Caring For Ageing Parents Without Losing Yourself

Caring for ageing parents can bring a kind of love few people feel prepared for. Alongside tenderness, there can be guilt, worry, impatience and the constant question of whether you are doing enough.

In this episode of The Wellness Algorithm, Anshu Bahanda is joined by psychologist and systemic relationship coach Darya Haitoglou to explore what happens when the parent-child relationship begins to change. They discuss the emotional weight adult children often carry, why caregiving can become self-erasure, and how grief can appear as irritation, resentment or exhaustion.

Together, they look at how to speak to ageing parents with respect, how to approach difficult conversations before a crisis, and why distance does not mean absence of love.
 
 🎧 Tune in for a thoughtful conversation on navigating changing dynamics as your parents age. 

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Transcript

AB: So you love your parents, but sometimes when they're ageing, you could have feelings of guilt, a little bit of worry, a little bit of anxiety. This feeling that you're not doing enough. I know this because my mom is 86, and every day that I have with her is precious. But when I'm in a country separate from her, there is some sort of anxiety. No one prepares you for this. No school, nothing. No one prepares you for the fact that the parent who used to look after you, the roles have got reversed. And also no one prepares you for this feeling that your parents' time is limited with you. And, this can be one of the loneliest feelings in your adult life. And here's what nobody actually says to you: That we'll all get there. That one day, if we're fortunate enough, we're going to be the ageing parents. Which means how we navigate our relationships today are going to quietly shape who we become. Today on the Wellness algorithm, which is part of the Wellness Curated podcast, we're talking about caring for ageing parents. My guest is Darya Haitoglou. She's a psychologist and a systemic relationship coach. And she spent years with families navigating these painful and private moments.

And, she's going to help us handle this with wisdom and sensitivity. One thing before we begin – with every conversation that I bring you, my aim is to help people. And even if this conversation helps one person feel a little less alone, a little less lonely, then that means everything to me. And if you share this conversation with someone, firstly, I'm very grateful in advance, but if you help even one person with this, you've done a great service to humanity. The aim of today's conversation is to have an honest conversation. At the end of today, I hope that many of you will feel a little less alone. Darya, welcome to this chat. I'm so glad you had the time to do this chat with us. 

DH: Thank you, Anshu. Pleasure to be here.

AB: And you know, this topic is so delicate and personal and sensitive at the same time that there's very few people I know who could handle it the way you can. So thank you again. 

DH: Well, I'm looking forward to it. 

AB: So, Darya, tell me – now, you work with families going through this every day. What is the thing that adult children almost never say out loud in the first session, but that you can see them carrying the moment they walk in?

DH: Well, the thing they almost never say are, things like, “I'm waiting for it to be over and I hate that I just thought that.” Something about shame and guilt or “I don't know who I am anymore outside of this.” What they walk in with, on the surface, is logistics. You know, doctors, appointments, siblings who aren't helping, maybe the parent who won't accept help. But what they're actually carrying underneath is grief, exhaustion and fear that there is something wrong with them, for having any feeling other than love. Now, the research backs up what I see, clinically. The Carers UK State of Care in 2025 survey found that 74% of carers said they had felt stressed or anxious and 40% felt depressed. Yet most of these people don't describe themselves as struggling. They say, “I'm fine” or “I cope well.” But the gap between what people are feeling and what they're allowing themselves to say is one of the most consistent things I see. And the first, of course, job is that that first session is not to give them tools, but just to make it safe to say the thing they came in convinced they couldn't say.

AB: So, Darya, you've just said exactly what I was going to ask you about next. And that is that we expect to feel love and sadness, right? But you're saying that no one expects to feel resentment, exhaustion, anger, irritation towards what you think – You think you're feeling that towards the parent. Now tell us what is actually happening inside us when something like this happens, when these kinds of feelings show up? And why do so many people – you  made another very important point. You said we feel ashamed, we feel shame. Why do so many people carry it alone? They don't discuss it with anyone. 

DH: What's actually happening is that several things are colliding inside at once. There's this present day exhaustion. There's the old child in you who never got something they needed and has been asked to give even more. There's this grief of watching someone you love decline. And there's often a very specific, very lonely realization that your parent may never become the person you hoped they’d become one day. Because aging is tough. And when grief has nowhere to go, it doesn't disappear. It comes out sideways, like irritation. The snap at a small thing, the disproportionate frustration over a forgotten conversation. That’s almost never about that conversation. It's grief looking for an exit. And the reason people carry this alone is because there's a deeply held cultural script that says good children only feel love and devotion. Anything else is treated as a moral failing rather than a human one. So people swallow it. And the silence makes the shame worse. And the shame makes the resentment heavier. So here's the part I most want people to hear. There's research by Smith, in 2005 that found adult children who experienced anticipatory grief – who allowed themselves to grieve while their parent was still alive – reported feeling better adjusted to the death of their elderly parent afterwards. And the feelings you're most ashamed of are often the feelings doing the most important emotional work. They require processing and require time. 

AB: Darya, I love some of your statements, by the way. When you start feeling these feelings of anger and resentment, you're not a bad person. You're just being a human being. Be kind to yourself at that point. That's the message, right? 

DH: Absolutely. It's such a difficult part of life. And having feelings as part of the process of maturing, it's never easy. 

AB: Now, Darya, there comes a moment when you realize that you've become the responsible one. That you know, the parent who has looked after you and done everything for you has become the child. So there's this role reversal. Do you think people can survive this without totally losing themselves?

DH: Well, the first thing I'd say is that the framing itself is worth questioning. We say the parent has become the child and the child has become the parent. But I'd be careful with that. Treating an ageing parent as a child can wound their dignity and over time it can damage a relationship in ways that can't easily be repaired. So they're not really your child, but they are an adult who needs more support than they used to. And what actually shifts is the hierarchy. So not the relationship itself, but the decisions tilt towards you and protection flows in the other direction. But underneath that, two adults are still in a relationship and holding on to that is what protects both of you. And the way you survive it without losing yourself is by understanding that this is not a temporary disruption to your life, it's kind of a chapter of your life. To give you an example, in the UK alone, 1.7 million people are providing 50 or more hours of unpaid care per week, and 2.6 million people have given up work to care. So it's a season that often lasts years and if you try to survive it by just holding your breath until it ends, you will lose yourself. And the only sustainable approach is to build life alongside the caregiving, not on pause until the caregiving ends. And that means keeping the things that make you, you: your work, your relationships, your sleep, the small rituals that anchor you – sort of, they become an infrastructure for this new building.

AB: That's actually lovely. And thank you for correcting me about the role reversal. Because even what we found with my mother is that – it took us time to learn this – it's that when we come from a place of pure love, somehow it makes her feel wanted, and she understands that.

DH: Yes, yes. Well, you know, there are so many intricate ways that the dynamic between a parent and a child has been set in stone. So, this is a time also of deep reflection on what kind of relationship you've been having and what kind of relationship you are having with your own children.

AB: And, I think if somehow, if they feel that it's coming from a place of love, that at least with my mom, she feels wanted, not managed, not handled, but she feels genuinely loved, and that makes all the conversations much easier, right?

DH:  Yes, absolutely. That's a key parameter, coming from love versus worry.

AB: Which is very hard to do, or, you know, it's not always easy. But what are the early signs that caregiving has quietly crossed from, you know, it's crossed from love into self erasure? Like you were saying, there's so many people who have to give up their jobs to be caregivers. And why do most people not see it until they’re either totally running on empty and they have nothing left to give?

DH: So powerful. Yes, well, the early sign is almost never dramatic. It's that you've stopped noticing yourself, or you stopped registering when you’re hungry, or you stopped reading the books you used to read, you stopped texting friends back. Your inner monologue has quietly become entirely about them, what they need, what they say, what's wrong, what's next. And then comes the body signs. So, sleep changes, appetite changes, persistent tension in the jaw or shoulders or back pain. Then come the emotional signs. Resentment that surprises you, or tears that come out of nowhere. Or more concerning, no tears at all. Numbness, actually, not sadness is the warning sign. And the reason most people don't see it until they're empty is because self erasure feels virtuous. The culture rewards it, the family members reward it. There's no alarm bell when you start disappearing into someone else's needs, they actually praise you. So the cost – there's a cost, right, to it. So 42% of carers say their physical health has suffered and 35 say their mental health is bad or very bad. And more starkly, a longitudinal study in the US found that carers reporting mental and emotional strain had a mortality risk 63% higher than non-carers. So caregiving burnout isn't a myth, it's an actual thing, and it shortens lives. And you know, I often offer this question, am I doing this from love or from fear? Like you said earlier, love based care is sustainable. And fear based care, fear of guilt or fear of regret or fear of being seen as a bad child is what burns people out.

AB: Oh God. Okay, wait. My God. Oh God. Give me one minute. It's – it's very personal, right? Because my mom is older, so. So, Darya, tell me – Guilt sits at the centre of so much of this. So many adult children feel that no matter what they do, it's never enough. Where does this feeling come from? And how do we handle it? Can you give us a little tool or a technique to handle this? 

DH: Well, guilt comes from several places at once and actually untangling them is half the work. So some of it is cultural. The script we're handed says a good child gives without limit. So the standard isn't “do enough”, it's “do everything.” You know, that standard is impossible by design, which means guilt is the default state. Some of it is actually gendered. Carers UK research found that women are disproportionately likely to take on a sandwich caring role: caring for elderly parents and dependent children at the same time. There was a study, actually a recent one, earlier this year by Pew, they found that 47% of women caring for an ageing parent said it had a negative impact on their emotional wellbeing compared with 30% of men. The guilt women feel of societal weight, they're just absorbing it as if it were theirs alone. And some of it is just old, some of it is an unresolved child in you trying to finally earn the love or approval you didn't quite get the time, you know, the first time around. That kind of guilt has nothing to do with the present day parent. It's sort of, it's much older. And what you actually do with it, first you learn to distinguish between two kinds. Healthy guilt says I've done something out of alignment with my values, let me repair it, that’s useful information. Toxic guilt says, no matter what I do, it's not enough. I'm never enough. I need to – That's a trap. And feeding it doesn't make it disappear, it actually makes it stronger. So the second thing is to ask, when guilt arrives, whose voice is this? Is it mine or is it my mother's? Or is it the culture I was raised in? Often the answer surprises people because the guilt isn't theirs at all. It's inherited. 

AB: Even to get to that point is interesting. You know, that you're ready to – You need to have done a certain amount of work on yourself, that you're ready to accept that this is not your voice. But also, Darya, when a parent is refusing help, what happens then? How do you handle that kind of situation? Because a lot of people have seen that in their lives. 

DH: This one is the hardest situation because most adult children approach it through their own fear. The fear led conversation almost always fails. What I'd say to them is, lead with their autonomy, not your worry. Instead of saying, I'm worried about you, which positions them as the problem, try, you know, I want to make sure you stay in charge of your life as long as possible. Can we talk about how to do that? So do a little bit of coaching, open questions. That single sort of reframe changes the entire conversation. It puts them in the seat of power, which is exactly the seat they're terrified of losing. And don't tell, what would feel most respectful to you. So, ask instead of just telling them. Like, when you ask what is more respectful to you, they feel more empowered to reply. Most refusals actually aren't really refusal of help, it’s a refusal of being treated like they no longer matter. So if this comes in, Yeah, what you would never say “you can't do that anymore”, or “you're being unreasonable”, or, “We've decided, we’ve decided.” Anything that strips agency, even in the name of love, will be met with resistance. And it should be, because the parents' resistance is often the last piece of dignity they feel they have and honouring it, even when it frustrates you, it’s so important. I mean, what the research suggests is that this approach really pays off. So Pew’s study found that 56% of adult children regularly helping an ageing parent said the relationship had improved as a result, while only 16% said it had gone worse. So the relationship genuinely can deepen through this stage. But how care is offered matters enormously. Care that respects autonomy, strengthens the bond, strengthens the relationship. Care that overrides it, strains it.

AB: Now that we're talking about not taking away their autonomy, I want to talk about some stuff that we have to talk to – you know, we have to talk about to our parents. And in fact, there's a list that we have about things you need to talk about to ageing parents. We're going to put it in the scripts of the podcast as well. You know, simple things like where do they want to live, who will care for them, what are their wishes, the will, the finances, that kind of stuff. At what stage do you think one should start planning that with the parents? And how should one bring it up so it doesn't upset them? 

DH: Well, the right time to have this conversation is now, while everything is still fine, while no one is in crisis. The reason they keep getting pushed is because we feel like having them is a betrayal, kind of. If naming the future brings it closer. Well, it doesn't. What it does is make sure that when the future arrives, you're not making the hardest decisions of your life inside a hospital corridor at 2am. The phrase I most often offer clients is, can we talk about something while we don't have to? Can we talk about something while we don't have to? That single sentence can shift the emotional register, sort of. It signals that it isn't an emergency, that you're not trying to take anything from them, that this is a conversation between equals about a future you both want to face. And start with values. Values, not logistics, because don't begin with a will. Begin with how do you imagine the years ahead? What matters most to you? What would feel like a life well lived? Once you understand their values, the practical decisions become much easier, because every choice is anchored in what they want, not what they think they should want.

AB: Not what you think they should want. Not what we think they should want.

DH: Exactly. It's what they want. Yes, exactly. It's what they want. And what they want is based on their values. So once we understand the values of our parents. Because sometimes we never – Well, actually, most of the time we never talk about values with our parents. It's sort of like a given, but understanding their values – then we can move into the practical. So where they want to live, who they want involved in decisions, what they want their care to look like, what their wishes are at the end. These conversations don't have to happen all at once. They kind of unfold over months, months, sometimes years, in small moments. Here and there, over dinner, on walks and long drives. So it is kind of a process that is long but intentional, and the sooner we start this process, the more depth and the more bonds we can connect with. And one more thing – so, have these conversations with siblings present or at least keep siblings informed. Because so much family conflict at the end of parents’ life isn't about the parent. It's about siblings discovering that one of them had information the others didn't. So transparency, and transparency prevents fracture later, so always start with thinking, okay, who else? Who are my stakeholders? Who else needs to know? And generally, these are my siblings. 

AB: And also, I mean, you said something very important here is look at the values, not logistics. And also be ready that their values might be different from your own values. And that's fine because this conversation is about them, it's not about you, and it's not about your siblings. 

DH: Absolutely. And this is a mature sort of inner work. That's why in therapy, we see a lot of the times for us to understand their values, we also need to understand our own values, and that's a beautiful piece of work everybody can do. And then it can be that we discover that our values are different. In most cases, they should be, because we've created a new system, married to a different person. We're not the same as our parents. So having some values similar, some values different, and always look from the lens of their values, we are helping them in this process. We are really there for them. But at the same time, not to forget my own values and how I live my life in parallel to helping them with their values.

AB: Lovely. Now tell me, for. For a lot of us who live in different cities or in different countries from our parents, the guilt is always there. There's a version of this question, should I be there? How do you tell those people to cope with it?

DH: I want to start by saying this: distance is not the absence of love, okay? So, think of it as, like, it's a different shape of it. So the version of the question, “should I be there?” almost never has a clean answer. Sometimes the right answer is yes and you reorganize your life. Actually, Carers UK research found that 2.6 million people in the UK have given up work to care. That's around like 600 people per day. And many of them move to – Yeah, move to be closer. 

AB: 2.6 million. Wow. They care for – To care for the parents?

DH: Yes, absolutely. Because it's such an important decision, and many don't have means to put them in care homes or have additional help, so they move closer and they change jobs, they change homes. It's a big transition. And sometimes it's the right call, but sometimes the right answer is no. And the guilt of no doesn't mean it was wrong. It just means that you love them. You love them and you also have your own personal life that is far away. And I'd say three things. First, presence is not the same as proximity. Presence – a focused, fully attentive, 20 minute call can be more present than a distracted weekend visit. Quality of attention matters more than postcode, so you focus on quality. Second, build infrastructure around them, so one trusted person on the ground could be your eyes, a neighbor, a family friend, a professional, a regular contact, that rhythm of contact that's predictable for both sides. And clarity about what you would actually do in an emergency. Because we think about that so often. But having a plan so your brain can stop rehearsing it in the background of every day, you know, it's just so important to have something in place in case something happens. And third, and that's the hardest: accept that some guilt is the cost of love at a distance and it cannot be eliminated. So, just learn to manage it and try to – just trying to eliminate it actually leads to either burn out from over functioning or shut down from withdrawal, so neither serves them, neither serves you. The person who can be steadily present from afar with honesty about their limits often gives more than the person who collapses into the role from up close. Does it make sense?

AB: Yes. But that takes me on to another question. So you know, like you talked about presence, infrastructure, emergency. What about when the parent gets lonely? How do we handle something like that?

DH: Well, loneliness is a category of things. So, we need to understand what is actually happening for that person. Do they want a physical presence? Because they also have different love languages, right? Is their love, the way how they receive love, the way how they want to receive love is through quality of time. Quality? Is it through words of affirmation – they just want to hear things? Is it that they want to receive some gifts or maybe acts of service? They want you to do something for them, that’s how they feel loved. And often when they receive that love, they feel less lonely. Loneliness is also partially the consequence of lack of intimacy. And intimacy is “into me, you see,” – Intimacy. So really seeing them, deeply seeing them and holding them and giving them love the way they want, even a small portion of that can help alleviate a sense of loneliness. 

AB: And finally, Darya, one thing. If you could say something honest and true to every adult child who's quietly feeling uncomfortable in some way, what would it be? 

DH: Oh, well, I would say you're not failing. You're doing one of the most quietly demanding things a human being can do. Loving someone through their decline. And you're doing it largely without a map, often without recognition, and almost always while carrying the rest of your life on the same shoulders. And the fact that you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean you're getting it wrong. It means you're paying attention. The people who feel no discomfort are usually the ones who've checked out emotionally. So the discomfort is evidence of your love. And the most honest thing you can offer is this – there is no version of this season where you do it perfectly. There's no door you can walk through and emerge on the other side with no regret. What there is, is the chance to do it honestly. To love them as you can, not as you think you should. To take care of yourself and treat it not as an indulgence, but as a responsibility, because they don't want to be the reason you broke down. To let the relationship be what it actually is, not what you wish it were. And to forgive yourself slowly every time, again and again, for being human in the middle of something that's so hard. And you're allowed to be tired, you're allowed to be sad, you're allowed to want your own life back. None of those feelings make you less loving. They make you real. And real is what this season actually requires. So that's what I would say.

AB: Thank you, Darya. Now, the sad thing is we don't – there’s no classes to teach you how to look after ageing parents. I'd love you to recommend one or two books that we could buy that will help us with this. Do you have a recommendation?

DH: You know, I always recommend a book called New People Making by Virginia Satir. New People Making is a book about parents and children and how we cope with stress, which is actually a universal strategy across different cultures, backgrounds, races.

And, it's just sort of a human map on how to go through these transitions. That's my favorite book. And the second book, it doesn't sound like it connects to this topic, but actually does. It's called Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. It's one of my favourite books. And reading it makes me think that life and death, they're just so close to each other. So when we face death, we remember to live fully. 

AB: Lovely, because we're all going to go through this. Right? I said that in the introduction as well, that, you know, today we have ageing parents. Tomorrow, if we're fortunate enough, we'll be ageing parents. And one day our children will be the ageing parents. This is the circle of life. Darya, now we're going to do a rapid fire round. So I'm going to give you a sentence and give me a quick answer, the first thing that comes to your mind. Yeah? One thing adult children need to stop feeling guilty about, right now.

DH: Living their own life fully, your parents' decline does not require your disappearance. 

AB: One sentence that helps when talking to an ageing parent?

DH: What would feel most respectful to you? 

AB: Thank you. Harder for most people – asking for help or setting a boundary?

DH: Asking for help. Boundaries feel like control, asking for help feels like admitting you can't do it alone, and most adult children would rather break than admit that. 

AB: Thank you. One sign a caregiver is emotionally exhausted. 

DH: They've stopped feeling anything. Numbness, not sadness, is the warning sign.

AB: Okay. And one truth about ageing parents that more people need to hear. 

DH: Well, ageing is not the end of growth for them or for the relationship. 

AB: Thank you, Darya. Thank you. The one sentence that you said during the whole chat we've had is love based caregiving is sustainable. That has got stuck in my head and I have to tell you, I found this podcast very hard because I have a mom who's older and it's probably, of the 200 podcasts I've done, this has probably been my most difficult to go through. So thank you for being so sensitive.

DH: Thank you. Thank you for your vulnerability and openness. Because many of us go through this journey together and we think it's just us, but there are all the millions of people who are going through the same. 

AB: Thank you. So as we saw, caring for ageing parents is not only about responsibility. It's about identity, about love under pressure and watching life change shape in front of you. And finding a way to stay whole inside that. And it's about something else too, Something I keep coming back to. We will all get there, every one of us. Which means this is not just about our parents. It's about us. About who we are becoming through this. And this is worth paying attention to. There is no perfect way through this, only an honest, compassionate and sustainable way. If this conversation stayed with you, send it to one person, just one. A sibling, a friend, anyone carrying this quietly. That single share could be the thing that makes someone feel less alone today, that is not nothing. That is everything. And if you want more conversations like this, Wellness Curated is free to subscribe to wherever you listen. I'm Anshu Bahanda. Take care of yourself. And if this is a season of care in your life, I hope this conversation has helped you feel a little less alone. Thank you.